Presing Pause V

So I return to you with more  timbits from the kindle book that I’ve been reading from which is Pressing Pause written by Karen Ehman and Ruth Schwenk

These ladies share and remind us that God’s most mightiest and powerful act is when He raised Jesus from the dead so that we could have a way to get to Heaven to live with Him forever.

It is stressed that we are to look into our hearts and remove pride from our eyes.  Pride is sin.  We are to walk humbly with one another and extend grace.   We are to keep our eyes on the Lord.  We should give our hearts some spring cleaning too, not just with our house, and that means to remove anything that is sinful like envy, jealousy, hatred, discontentment, impatience, unkindness, or revenge.

God is using the waiting to do something in  us before we can do something for Him. Karen and Ruth remind us that God’s timing is always perfect.  So while it may be hard to wait, it will be worth it. 

Our home is perfect because there is life inside of it that has joy, love, struggles, prayers and good and the bad.   It’s perfect home to serve to the Lord.   We are to live for Him and with Him.   It took me a while to be content with our home.  The original plan was to move within 5  years but here we are still here, almost 9 years later (in August). I love where we are geographically.  I have no need to upgrade.  We have enough room for everybody and we have our beautiful and messy life together as parents and as a couple. I love that we’ve raised our three boys and dealt with the struggles of losing Noah and Savannah and other things.  I love that our home is shared with our marriage.  It’s beautiful with our presence in it.  We have made so many memories.  That I told treasure to.

We have to share and feel church services in everywhere we go on a daily basis to share love at first sight and forgetting at first slight.   Everything we do to be done in love.

We are to abide more deeply with the Lord every day to stay strong and able to give in life.  Our hearts ponder the precious times with our kids where we treasure and store our life memories. I am amazed how amazing my boys are growing up and I smile because It is God that is shaping them as men that they are called to become with our help as parents.   Yesterday, I didn’t document but it was really sweet to see for an example, my son Austin doing the prayers of the rosary after school.  It was like wow.   I didn’t expect that but he did it anyway.  These boys can surprise me.  It’s like God has blessed us because we have been pointing them to the Lord.

More timbits to come from the book soon! xo

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Being Real

I am being real right now.  I feel just low.  I know that I am worthy and loved by God.  I know that I am not alone.  But this is what I feel.  So much  happens behind the scenes here in social media.  Behind closed doors.  I cried myself to sleep. Like what happened here? I know I am blessed with so much and I try to focus on the positive things every day because I know having negativity in you is toxic. And that’s what I feel right now. Toxic.  I was on Facebook last night and I saw a photo shoot picture of a friend of mine and her child while I loved the picture.  It wasn’t me who shot the picture.  IT was someone else and I was immediately jealous.  I was like why I am not a better photographer.  I rely too much with/to Pinterest.  I don’t feel like I don’t have enough natural creativity in my own eyes and mind.  I struggle with it.  I feel like I don’t have the eye for it like I used to, in my high school days when I first had love of photography.  But I know that I’m not other photographers. I am my own photographer.  It’s not the camera.  It’s how I shoot behind the camera. So after that pretty much a can of worms opened. 

Like I feel insecure still down there.  TMI my husband went down on me last night.   Now, I love oral sex from him but I know he doesn’t love to do it and the remark I found out from our early dating days of how I smelled down there has always still stuck with me.  Sometimes I ignore it and I forget about it and I’m fine.  But  I always feel like do I still smell like that? I know vaginas have their own smell, but like I mean, do I feel like I’m clean enough there.  I know I’m not all fruity there.  So I still feel hard to like enjoy it completely when he does do it.  So and then while I had been doing so well abstaining from masturbation/pornography for quite a while,  I fell back into it on Monday night because I had the urges and my husband wasn’t home.   Night shifts are tough when he’s not here. I’m still upset that I watched it and masturbated Monday night and then had sex last night.  The struggle is real.   

And then I still have hang ups about sex sometimes.  I watched FSOG 2  (FS Darker) last night and I still wonder how our sex is still vanilla sometimes. Like  we still have sex in our bedroom like 95% of the time and he doesn’t tease me or give me enough foreplay before we have sex. I still crave to be adventurous sometimes and I know my husband is who he is.  I can’t force or change him.  I still struggle with his sex drive sometimes.  But I keep reminding myself that I’m still thankful that he still wants to have sex with me when he does get in the mood and the intimacy that we get to have as a married couple.  I feel like the best sex we have is usually when we’re away on trips (alone or as a family) because there’s no worries from work and other things.

Then I felt like I have no spark this year with creativity.  I have no desire to be on the ball for everything like gifts and special occasions.  And it’s not’ because I don’t want to. It just isn’t there this year.  And I hate that.  Because I want everybody to feel love in whatever I gift them for their birthdays and other special occasions.

I believe there are other things are attacking me right now. I know that is Satan’s work. And I’m trying to allow God’s magic to work in me. To work my way up again and be strong and keep finding real joy in my mind, body and heart.

And I struggle with my identity in Christ. I know He is continually working in me.  There are todays like today where I feel like a failure. I’m low. I’m just in my dark world.  I’m still there for my kids and friends.  So on the outside I look like I am fine when I am really not.  I just feel  like I am not enough for myself. I have to be amazing.  But I know I don’t have to be.   I just have to be what Christ wants me to be and I know that is a work in a progress for my life. I do have so much to be thankful and I really do.  I need to encourage myself to work with my heart.  And to be the encourager that I need to be for myself and for other people.  I want to be the person that is happy with who she is and what she has in her life. 

I am thankful I have people to wake up for on a daily basis.  My husband. My kids.  My family. My friends. God.  I need to be here as long God needs me to be here.

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Blessed With Love

We are fast approaching our 11 years married and 16  years in love anniversary. It’s around the corner on May 27!  We’ve been together since 2001 and married since 2006.   I thank the Lord for my husband, who was my friend in 2000 and then my boyfriend in 2001, and my fiancé in 2004 and my husband circa 2006.   He is my forever.  I’ve always seen a spark of Christ in my husband since  I started dating this man.   His character and his heart has been so sexy.  It’s what made me fall in love with him. And expanded his outer appearance more sexier 🙂  Of course, there are flaws and things he does sometimes that drives me crazy but always, the pros do outweigh the cons.  My husband grows everyday in Christ.  All the little things I see and appreciate in my husband.

Sure, our relationship, friendship and marriage isn’t perfect in anyway.  We’ve had fights since the beginning of big and little things.  But we learn every day to compromise, respect and respond in a respectful and loving manner.

Our love even through the storms, has always been strong and continues to grow stronger every day.  Emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually and sexually.  I’m amazed.  I was amazed even last year, when we reached our 10 years because there were times honestly I didn’t think we’d make it, that we wouldn’t be together.  But here we are,  still going strong.   We continue to find ways to keep our spark going, to keep our marriage hot, and to keep our happiness in each other well.    So much of the grace and the glory goes to Christ.  But I also find other things that also saved our marriage.   The birth of Jackson and other things.  We continue to work on ourselves and encourage and build each other up.  To keep maintaining the sanity in each other.

We certainly aren’t the same person we were to each other when we first dated or married, but way better and it’s all because of the Lord’s work in us.  We fight for each other and our marriage every day.  We want it to keep it fierce.   We put down the cross for Jesus and live like Jesus for each other. 

I love my husband.  He does so many things for me, more than I probably realize and I’m like wow, I am his queen.  I feel I need to treat him more often of him as a king.  I still have days where I still feel like I fail, but as long I go to Him and ask for help, I still serve my husband.  I remember that t here are the little daily things t hat I can do for him and do the big things too when I can.     There are days where I connect to him emotionally or spiritually than I do mentally or sexually and that’s okay.   As long I communicate to him how I feel and we do it together.   It’s awesome to know that I’m not alone, and he’s there when I need him and God too! 

I’m blessed to be married to this man, and love how our love story has reached where we are together and today.  I unwrap every day that I have with this man.  I look forward to many, many more years of walking in this unity road of love and marriage with my husband.  This is US!

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Pressing Pause IV

The Pressing Pause saga has now resumed with more thoughts from the kindle version of the book by Karen Ehman and Ruth Schwenk.

These ladies feel that it is important for us women and moms to spend time with Jesus before doing anything else  in the morning.   It is our vow to meet with God first.   We are to be seated at His feet.  It’s not always easy but it can be done!

It is stressed that we as a family can make an impact for Christ.  We can shape kids outside of our family too.  We need to make  prayer a matter of prayer.  A priority.   Our mistakes are intended to be great opportunities for us to lean onto Jesus.  Our biggest enemy is Satan.   Satan will always find a way so we need to be strong and always have Christ on us.

Our friendships should always be like pure, honest and true.  In the midst of the chaos that come with motherhood, we are to make sure that we also have fun with our kids, show joy, share lightheartedness fun, and love.  We have to always slow down for that to happen.  And in today’s world, many do not slow down so we need to make that a priority.

Walking by faith is true faith.  It takes work.  It requires taking a risk in stepping out of your comfort zone of what we know and like and action.  Faith in action is trusting God to be our Provider and Protector.  Fear is absolutely not a  part of walking by faith.   We can’t see God, but we have to feel that He is there!

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Tracking Sexual Activity

I did do this, tracking sexual activity on my phone in the past, but it was mainly for when we were in the season of growing our family.   Yes,  tracking sex to baby dance/doing the deed to get pregnant.  Seeing how often we did in regards to ovulating and more.

I haven’t done this for a while though. Although we are seemingly regular, I know we have weeks where we barely do it at all/none at all and other weeks we do it more.  I don’t need the app anymore and I haven’t used it for a long time. Although it  probably would be good to know where we are at now lol, but I don’t need the stress either.  I don’t want to nag or brag at my husband that we need to have sex more. Mainly because my husband has the lower sexual drive than I do and I don’t want  him to feel like he needs to because of me.

I know God absolutely intended sex for marriage and I know he wants us to celebrate through sex as often as we can as he loves for us to be intimately close and connected.  Sex as is as close it can be to feeling like heaven.  I absolutely enjoy sex with my husband and I know my husband does too, when he does get in the mood and wants to both physically and emotionally. 

I know this that if we feel like we are in a sexual rut, we can pray to God to help us reconnect more and get back on the sexual enjoyment life and also we can pray to Him thanking us for our sexual intimacy when it has happened and can’t wait for more.

We have come a long way for the last few years though in exploring our sexual sides and positions and things like that, but we’ve also have been working hard on staying pure and holy and faithful to each other as well.  Our eyes are always for each other and to God.

So with that said,  I don’t think tracking sexual activity is needed much in a marriage except for TTC purposes… or you are seemingly not regular at all sexually with your spouse.

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Share Real Life Love

We live in this fast crazed technology world and we can spend hours being online and not spending much or sharing much needed “real life love” in person.  It’s more important to be loved in person than to be liked online.  So share as much you can with any free time you have to share love in person whether it’s your spouse,  your kids,  your parents, siblings,  friends or other people in the community. 

While I am hearing impaired and I do rely on texting, emails, and Facebook messenger as It’s better for me to understand people than calling/face timing but I do also try when I can to see people in person and share my love with them. On  daily basis, I do interact with my husband and my boys and the mom friends I have at the boys’ school.  I have mom’s group at the church every couple weeks, and I see friends when they are available. 

April’s been a crazy month. I have a few loved ones that are going through stuff, and I’ve been trying to be there in person when I can and texting them when I can, and praying daily for them.  Because I want to be the person that shows that I care and love them and want them to know that they aren’t alone in whatever it is that they are going through at this time.  God wants us to be able to share love, peace and joy and comfort and remain being connected to every loved ones that are in our lives, even the ones at church or other places.  And we can allow Him to keep us in line, when we fall away from it too. We can pray and open our hearts to the Lord as we do this too!   

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April The Giraffe

April the Giraffe is now a worldwide star!  I found out about her through FB from someone else.  She was being streamed live of her pregnancy via YouTube 24/7 since February from her home at Animal Adventure Park (New York).  I got hooked on watching her and her boyfriend, Ollie (Oliver). This was in mid-late February.  While I knew what giraffes were, I didn’t know much about them.  So because of AAP through their Facebook page and the Giraffe cam, I learned so much more  especially giraffes in general and got to know the giraffe family and the AAP team (especially the owner of the park and the giraffes’ handlers).  I have spent days and nights watching April and Ollie via my phone, and the TV.   The whole meaning of the giraffe cam to was to educate on giraffes and how much in trouble they are globally in the wild (especially in Africa).

It was such a special time to watch April labor and deliver her baby boy calf on Holy Saturday (April 15) in the morning and we got to watch how her baby does for the rest of the day.   April was amazing.  She gracefully did so well. She even cleaned her baby as it was coming out and giving so much care and love and especially afterwards.  It’s been amazing to see how Baby G bonds with April and especially with Ollie. 

The giraffe cam got taken down last Friday because the park needed to open soon and they are in crunch time to get ready.   But they just put it back up yesterday and will be only on Tuesdays for the time being for only 4 hours. So that we all as a global crew can check on April, Ollie and baby.   It’s amazing to see how much the baby boy has grown in a matter of days.

I’ve been a huge supporter of AAP and April and family.  I donated twice to their GoFundMe page, subscribed to their text alerts (good until end of May), subscribed to their Facebook page, I’ve bought a shirt and giraffe plush from their online store and I’ve voted in the naming contest and participated in the live chats via YouTube.

I have noticed how much the giraffe family has also helped a lot of people especially to those who are struggling health-wise whether it’s physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.  IT has brought them so much joy and peace and love.  And I can totally see that.

I love AAP so much that I am willing to make a trip down there with my husband in the near future, hopefully this summer/early Fall since they are only 6 hours south driving distance wise from us.  And while it’s mostly for April, Ollie and Baby G but I want to see all the other animals and to meet the park owner and the rest of the AAP team!  🙂  And It’s also inspired me to visit other zoos that are in my province which I also plan to do this year with my husband and my boys 🙂 

God is so good and especially with AAP and the giraffe family!!!  They have given so much love and light in this troubled world<3

 

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