I am being real right now. I feel just low. I know that I am worthy and loved by God. I know that I am not alone. But this is what I feel. So much happens behind the scenes here in social media. Behind closed doors. I cried myself to sleep. Like what happened here? I know I am blessed with so much and I try to focus on the positive things every day because I know having negativity in you is toxic. And that’s what I feel right now. Toxic. I was on Facebook last night and I saw a photo shoot picture of a friend of mine and her child while I loved the picture. It wasn’t me who shot the picture. IT was someone else and I was immediately jealous. I was like why I am not a better photographer. I rely too much with/to Pinterest. I don’t feel like I don’t have enough natural creativity in my own eyes and mind. I struggle with it. I feel like I don’t have the eye for it like I used to, in my high school days when I first had love of photography. But I know that I’m not other photographers. I am my own photographer. It’s not the camera. It’s how I shoot behind the camera. So after that pretty much a can of worms opened.
Like I feel insecure still down there. TMI my husband went down on me last night. Now, I love oral sex from him but I know he doesn’t love to do it and the remark I found out from our early dating days of how I smelled down there has always still stuck with me. Sometimes I ignore it and I forget about it and I’m fine. But I always feel like do I still smell like that? I know vaginas have their own smell, but like I mean, do I feel like I’m clean enough there. I know I’m not all fruity there. So I still feel hard to like enjoy it completely when he does do it. So and then while I had been doing so well abstaining from masturbation/pornography for quite a while, I fell back into it on Monday night because I had the urges and my husband wasn’t home. Night shifts are tough when he’s not here. I’m still upset that I watched it and masturbated Monday night and then had sex last night. The struggle is real.
And then I still have hang ups about sex sometimes. I watched FSOG 2 (FS Darker) last night and I still wonder how our sex is still vanilla sometimes. Like we still have sex in our bedroom like 95% of the time and he doesn’t tease me or give me enough foreplay before we have sex. I still crave to be adventurous sometimes and I know my husband is who he is. I can’t force or change him. I still struggle with his sex drive sometimes. But I keep reminding myself that I’m still thankful that he still wants to have sex with me when he does get in the mood and the intimacy that we get to have as a married couple. I feel like the best sex we have is usually when we’re away on trips (alone or as a family) because there’s no worries from work and other things.
Then I felt like I have no spark this year with creativity. I have no desire to be on the ball for everything like gifts and special occasions. And it’s not’ because I don’t want to. It just isn’t there this year. And I hate that. Because I want everybody to feel love in whatever I gift them for their birthdays and other special occasions.
I believe there are other things are attacking me right now. I know that is Satan’s work. And I’m trying to allow God’s magic to work in me. To work my way up again and be strong and keep finding real joy in my mind, body and heart.
And I struggle with my identity in Christ. I know He is continually working in me. There are todays like today where I feel like a failure. I’m low. I’m just in my dark world. I’m still there for my kids and friends. So on the outside I look like I am fine when I am really not. I just feel like I am not enough for myself. I have to be amazing. But I know I don’t have to be. I just have to be what Christ wants me to be and I know that is a work in a progress for my life. I do have so much to be thankful and I really do. I need to encourage myself to work with my heart. And to be the encourager that I need to be for myself and for other people. I want to be the person that is happy with who she is and what she has in her life.
I am thankful I have people to wake up for on a daily basis. My husband. My kids. My family. My friends. God. I need to be here as long God needs me to be here.