This is hard to share. It’s been transparent in this blog that I have had premarital sex and that I did have sex with other two guys before my husband as well.
Anyway, my husband (then boyfriend at the time) and I were early on in our relationship and I was still into sex like rabbits. I had been introduced into the sex life early on that year at 17 with my ex-boyfriend. Anyway… the hubby and I had been dating for 6 months and actually, we weren’t being safe at all. At 18, I wasn’t on birth control and we weren’t big fans of condoms. So it wasn’t long when we were like whatever and I really liked him inside me naturally a lot. And “trying to get pregnant” didn’t fade into my mind. Denial that it would happen but I knew eventually it would. So it was no surprise when I didn’t get my period (and I was actually not really tracking my period at all, just knew that it would come every month at some point) and I was really late. It was obvious I got pregnant and I was pretty much almost at the start of Christmas Break. We tried to keep this pregnancy on the DL but my parents found out and even though they are Catholics themselves, it was decided that I would abort because I was graduating high school and have the chance to go to university (and actually the hubs and I are against it), and it still happened. I remember crying the night before that I was really feeling that I was sinning against God (babies are truly are a blessing!) at 8 weeks pregnant and that I wouldn’t have this chance in pregnancy ever again. And I wasn’t sure how my relationship with the hubby was going to go after this procedure. We never forget this baby even though we don’t talk about it. We think maybe a girl, but we’re not sure.
But the hubby ended up staying on my side through out the whole thing and it just reaffirmed that I was really meant to be with him and he promised me that years down the road when we were a bit more older and mature (and married) that we would actually “try” and have a family. We never made it to the 8 years goal (it was pretty close though, I think 6.5 years later).
So when we did get pregnant again (and married this time), I made it to 27 weeks when our firstborn son was stillborn. He had gone home to Jesus and I had to do the whole actual labor and delivery deal and it was the most hardest thing next to the whole abortion thing years earlier. Because it was like what’s going on. What’s happening to me? We chose to keep this baby and it was taken away from us again. But there was no actual reason as to why Noah went. Only God knows. This time though, we did get to hold him and see him and all. We really miss him. So after Noah, I was desperate to really have our family and it was hard to have faith but for some reason, I knew we would have our chance at surviving pregnancy and beyond. It was really difficult going through the pregnancy with Logan because I was still anxious about if he would be here but he did make it through and beyond so today he is 7 years old. I love that he is physically here and he was just helping me today with pokemon go on my phone LOL.
With Austin, it was a bit easier with his pregnancy knowing Logan’s success. And then I still felt we weren’t done. And so eventually we tried again and unfortunately, again.. there was another baby loss. Early miscarriage. We believe this was truly a girl Savannah Megan (SM). I know only through a dream from my grandmother who had passed away in 2014. But even with the u/s, I was still too early to even know for sure.
God was surely testing my faith but it was extremely hard to TTC again and it took a while to conceive Jackson. Like his older brothers, he made it here in this world successfully. He even chose his own birthday, two days ahead of his estimated due date. And I closed the growing family chapter after Jackson.
Now my faith in God grows more even stronger these days. After Jackson, I really relied on God in everything even with motherhood. Making me more Christ-like as a women, as a mom, as a wife. I pray for my kids, my marriage, my husband and for myself on a daily basis. I read through the bible via devotionals and online bible studies to learn the Word of God and know Jesus more personally. I attend church now.
Eventually, I will be home with Jesus and be reunited with my angel babies and even with Vanessa (our abortion baby). I do look forward to that day. But right now, I am cherishing every moment I can have on this earth raising and parenting our three boys of Logan, Austin and Jackson. They are all sweeties and handsome and tough and they all have their own personality. And I believe they all carry Vanessa, Noah and Savannah through them every day in one way or another.