In this next devotional section of J. Parker’s book, Intimacy Revealed… it talks about being brokenhearted. She means in this sense of being vulnerable in our bodies and emotions. Brokenhearted in the world of molestation, raped, verbally abused, cheated on, discarded. God likes to turn our ashes into beauty in His timing of course. He wants you to allow Him to love you, and to show you how you can be blessed in sex within your marriage.
I have been sexually mistreated in the past to a degree. Not with my husband of course. He has treated me amazingly. The mistreatment was through my ex boyfriends. Two actually. T wanted me to perform oral sex on him and I refused. Then when I broke up with him, I had his best friend M supporting me, and T called me in every name in the book that you can think of, and I was verbally broken. Then a few months later, when I was dating G, we were only together for a month and I had lost my virginity to him. And then we were FWB for a couple months. After I started dating my husband (boyfriend at the time), G wanted me to have sex with him again and I felt so much pressure. And I did unfortunately. And I cut off ties with him after that. I did eventually admit to my husband (boyfriend at the time) with what had gone on with G. Fortunately, my husband chose to stay with me.
It did change my view of sex and I know it did with my husband. Because sex wasn’t pure for the longest time in our relationship and marriage. He wasn’t always 100% there during sex and (same with me), and I’ve shared in the past posts of my infidelity with someone else online. And the Lord still worked in my husband to stay with me. That I am still worthy to him.
So while I loved sex, I never really got the full fulfillment of sex except that first night I did it with my husband (which was the closest to feeling like heaven), and then I now have it pure and holy and hot with my husband again for the last two and half years.
It’s taken a long time for me to heal and for my husband as well. Because we also had porn/masturbation addiction. Warped fix of what sex should be and feel like, but porn is so far fetched from reality.
Knowing that you are beautiful and can share your body with your husband fully with the help of the Lord. That sex can really be a beautiful blessing in your marriage. I’ve prayed so much in this area to change physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually individually. I now strive to be a better wife and lover and best friend to my husband. That I am thankful for whenever sexual intimacy takes place in my husband. That it’s good to look past myself and focus on my beautiful blessing of being married and being with my amazing man who loves me for me and sees me beautiful. I now have joy in experimenting sex with my husband and healing more each day.