This special remembrance day, Oct 15th which is celebrated worldwide every year recognizing those who have lost babies in stillbirth, miscarriage, newborn death, SIDS thus Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. This is pink and blue.
This hits home to me. It is very real and raw. My husband and I lost our first firstborn son, Noah while he was still inside me at 27 weeks in March of 2008. IT was very heart-breaking. It was hard to go on, but I needed to. I knew I could be strong and work at achieving my calling in motherhood. The Lord has his own reasons for sending Noah home to Him so early on.
So for all of my future pregnancies, I would be nervous, anxious and stressed. Because the true innocence in a pregnancy is forever gone. So it was difficult at times to trust in Him and Noah about staying pregnant all the way to full term and being able to physically parent any future babies. We were able to successfully get Logan and Austin, but it was really tough. Especially with Logan, I remember checking constantly for his body movements/kicks and hearing his heartbeats. You’re never fully reassured until these babies are born healthy and crying. I gained so much with Logan but he still end up being a small baby at 5.13 but today at 6 years old, he’s so smart and thriving well. Austin ended up being 8.3 (I gained only half of Logan’s pregnancy weight) and same as Logan at 5 years old, Austin’s also smart and independent.
Noah isn’t our only angel baby unfortunately. We also miscarried Savannah, better known as Sea Monkey/SM in January of 2012. She was very early on. It’s assumed she passed around 10 weeks, but we officially said goodbye to her via d & c at 12.5 weeks. It hurt our hearts but same with Noah, I knew I had to go on. I felt I wasn’t done with having our family in some sense of a complete circle. Then lastly, we were able to successfully TTC’d Jackson and he made it to 39.6 days.
Because of 5 pregnancies in 6 years was a lot. It was tough on me… physically, emotionally, and mentally. Now, it’s been 7.5 years since Noah and 3.5 since Savannah…. my losses with them is and always will be profound and deep. Always the memorable storms in my life. I still cry and think about our angel babies a lot, but it has gotten easier with time. You never move on or forget about them. I’ve continued on with my life to a degree.
I left my job as a real estate administrative assistant as soon I had Logan in 2009. I had been there for 1o years at that point, both part time and then full time for the last two years or so. Well I was on maternity leave for Logan’s first year, and then officially quit after that. Motherhood was God’s plan for me to nurture Logan, Austin and Jackson in being home with them. Raising and loving them. It is my plan though to go full fledge with Photography when Jackson starts school in two years though, but I will still be a stay home wife and mom, as much I am able to. I refuse to go back to my old job in the real estate world regardless. I feel that Photography is my other calling along with Motherhood.
I am forever grateful to my husband and my G & L moms. They were always there and listened to my rants. They were supportive and have helped me to heal and remind me that I
was am still a mom to these babies, Noah & SM. My husband allowed me to be really raw with him. He comforted me while I cried to sleep for the first two weeks following Noah’s stillbirth. He’s always left the choice up to me, whether to have more babies or not. Our losses have brought us closer together.
For the Lord, I am thankful though that He has been with me, no matter what I was feeling and still is here guiding me today. That He has given me the chance to love on and hold our three boys. I can’t imagine how life would have been had we chosen not to TTC again after Noah or even after Savannah. I don’t even want to think about it. God calculates our lives the way He wants it to be.
My heart is always warm and holding a piece of it for my angel babies. Shining beautifully for eternity for them. The Lord has these babies. They are growing in love with Him. I know that one day, we will meet again.
Finally, this heart wrecking and beautiful celebration for this is through the wave of light… it happens at 7pm for one hour tonight, in each time zone. I have used my Scentsy warmer for this each time. I will plan to use it again tonight. This is in honor of my angel babies and all the others that I know of through my grief and loss moms and IRL friends that have been through this as well. Thank you for your support!