Breaking the Silence

Today… Oct 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.   I am 1 in 4.  I have been through two losses.  Noah was stillborn at 27 weeks on March 16, 2008. No official reason as to why he passed.   He was to be due June 15, 2008. Sea Monkey stopped growing at 9/10 weeks (late Dec 2011) and I officially miscarried her/him on Jan 17, 2012 at 13.5 weeks with D & C.  Sea Monkey was to be due July 25, 2012.   They said SM likely had a defect but they weren’t officially sure.  So Like Noah,  SM was a fluke.  Both babies are wrapped up in love with the Lord.   I see them in my dreams and through my three living boys: Logan, Austin & Jackson.  I have always loved them unconditionally since we found out that they are a blessing in me.  My heart always has a special spot for them.   They are alive in my heart.   I know we all will reunite with them someday on the other side.  

Many stillbirths, miscarriages and infant losses happen more than people realize.  Too many woman suffer in silence and don’t share.  I have always been vocal for the past 6 years.   Yes, ever since Noah’s stillbirth.  A day or two after I went through his stillbirth,  I shared publically on Facebook that I was no longer pregnant with Noah and he had gone to be with the Lord.  I didn’t want to be faced with any more ongoing curiosity of how the pregnancy was going.  I also didn’t keep a secret that we had planned to TTC again after Noah.   I wanted the support from the get-go, that we would be able to have a rainbow baby after Noah and we did with Logan.  I got lots of support during TTC for him and during his pregnancy.  Logan made his safe arrival. Austin was no problem LOL.   Like Noah, I also went public the same day I found out that we had lost SM, and asked for support and more so on the day that we officially miscarried and the many months followed after, during our TTC journey for Jackson and during his pregnancy as well.   Pregnancy is never the same once you have been through a loss… the innocent feeling is no longer there and you are faced with anxiety and etc.  You can never breath easily until the baby is born safely and sound with a beautiful cry.  I never got that cry with Noah but did get to hold him.  SM was so early on, I never got to see him/her and no cry either.  Noah would have been 6 as of March and SM would have been 2 as of January (I go by the angel days, not the due dates because that’s when I personally gave them to the Lord).

Many woman and men alike mourn differently.   My husband has mourned for Noah and SM in his own way and I have mine.  But we have become closer together.  Not many couples are lucky.  This type of situation can make or break a relationship/marriage.   I always say that we have 5 kids even though Noah and SM aren’t here in the physical world.  They are still my babies.  

I will always mourn from time to time for my angels.  I will never get  over them.   Not every mother is able to get pregnant again after or get a rainbow baby at all.  Don’t say that you can always try again.  Some moms can’t deal with trying again.   I found the courage to TTC through the Lord and with the support of my husband.   He always left the decision of kids up to me.    I closed our conceiving journey after Jackson’s arrival  officially with my husband getting the Vasectomy on August 30, 2013.  We decided that after 3 boys and 2 losses, that it was enough for us to handle.  We will never get our girl.    It’s been a year since the V and we are content.  I break the silence.


About jewellove30

Married since 2006, in love since 2001. Have three boys and two angel babies.
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