Pornography and Sex

Pornography is both men and women’s struggle.  It can be a sexual sin. 

Pornography can be used to fulfill a sexual need.   I have a high sex drive.  I used to use it a lot when my husband would refuse to have sex or deny me complete pleasure or when I was alone and craved it.  I don’t use porn much any more.  I try to channel and save all my sexual needs to and for my husband.  It makes more sense to have sexual excitement that is shared with each other, not online in watching other people fuck.

In the past, sex wasn’t always complete enjoyment between us.   Sex has always been an issue and usually a cause to a fight/distance between us over the years being together.   Don’t get me wrong, there were several occasions when we were all there, and were lost in the amazing moment of being connected to each other and giving each other our all together.  It has been more amazing for the past year and a bit together with making love.

Lust can be a drug.  We can be drawn to beautiful women and men.   Society and especially with pornography can degrade how sex really is, and the sexual image portrayed to everyone.  Body image.  Certain acts.  Both inside and out.  

Porn isn’t reality.  It’s a temporary seduction.  It only gives happiness for a few minutes of your time. 

  I knew when I had sex for the first time in my life. I knew not to expect it to be all amazing right then.  Sex gives the illusion that it is all fireworks and all.  It wasn’t.   It wasn’t a big deal.    My relationship with my ex was purely physical.  So there wasn’t love.  So I didn’t really equate  sex with emotions.   I mean,  I have no regrets. I was physically and emotionally ready.  He was the wrong guy to share my virginity to, but the decision in the end was for me.  It was my choice to have sex.  Sex was sex.

 I did later get the “fireworks” that came with sex that turned into making love with my husband a couple months later (well a few weeks into our relationship) and it was amazing.  I had no idea that he was truly a virgin. He  seemed so experienced.   It was later unveiled that porn was part of his life.  It was introduced to him at a early age and that it was the link to help fulfill his needs on his own.  He would learn from it in terms of positions and the like.

This part I struggle with my husband.    Would porn account for his low sex drive?   I have no idea.   I know that it still happens. The link of it in use for when I am not there or it be the start of his excitement to have sex with me.   I get crushed so much  with the fact that  me as his wife can’t physically turn him ON with my own body without him resort to porn to get him going naturally.   I get the feeling that I am not gorgeous enough to make him feel to want me naturally immediately.  It’s like I should be the females that are portrayed in the sex industry.  Aide of special pills help him with that or me giving oral to him, but I know we can’t rely either of it  all the time. So I struggle with this so much.  Its partially why him masturbating has been a big struggle for me.  I know it gives a different feeling verses actual intercourse, but you don’t get the whole deal.   Get yourself off by looking/watching someone else fuck online isn’t the same.  I rather look at my husband while we make love. Connect with our eyes and body.

I rather have amazing  pleasure with my husband and inside him with me.  I want this sexual heaven to be us together naturally. We are married to each other.  We should be able to seduce each other naturally and happily.   Sex shouldn’t be a slave in your marriage. It’s a beautiful experience to be shared with one another.

You feel like crap when you commit to the lustful sin of porn.  Porn is a tease. You want to be able to devote and give your whole heart and body to that special someone in reality, especially if you are married to them and are in love with them and share that special intimacy with them.  It is better than wasting that chance with watching porn and getting yourself satisfied that way.

My high sex drive can drive me to porn, especially if I get rejected from sex and still want to be fulfilled or released of that “hunger” or being alone without my husband.   I don’t always tempt to this every time, but it used to happen a lot in the past.  I have been working to try and refrain from it so much.  To save my excitement and rebuild more trust and love for my husband.  Sex isn’t just about getting into your pants.  It is so much more than that.  Make any bad situation into a positive opportunity.

We are working on it both emotionally, physically and sexuality.  We want our connection to be beautiful together. That we’re all there 100% for each other.  To be pure for each other.    My husband to me,  is hot as hell.   Everything about him is amazing.    I didn’t care that he was overweight when we started dating but he was still handsome.   Those big sexy arms and muscle body.   I felt like he was beautiful protector in the beginning and still is to this day. I still want  my husband.  I always will choose him over porn any day/time.  I rather make love to him than to resort to porn if I got rejected from him or excited without him.   I desire for him to want me for ME.  I don’t want him to be sexually excited with porn to begin with.  I want ME to make him excited.  I want to seduce him with all of me from the get-go.   I want him to unwrap me. I want him to explore the amazing geography of my body and taste every bit of it and make me feel more beautiful. Together to ride into heaven full of true love and bliss and intimacy.  I want the same for him.  I want him to enjoy making love with me.  I want him to feel whole with me.  That I can satisfy him and drive him to the heavens.  To be beautifully connected with me physically, sexually, spiritually and emotionally. ❤

I understand that my husband’s sex drive is different from mine.  He can’t turn his “on” in any given moment, but I believe it was there in the beginning of our relationship.  He couldn’t get enough of me.  I know there are other reasons for his low sex drive towards me throughout our relationship and marriage like my infidelity,  being parents to our boys (that alone is a full time job!),  our pregnancy struggles, my husband’s job that endures long hours shift work and being physically active for that time.  His bipolar side of himself can influence his moods and that can go hand in hand with porn and/or making love to me. The other issue I can think of is maybe his body image?  He has struggled with his weight and the body image look of himself over the years.  It could be an connection with porn too.  Those that are in the sex industry especially with pornography mostly have a standard body image that is the “norm”.  Women involved are skinny as hell with boobs and ass.  I don’t always feel beautiful.  I was once skinny.  I am not. not to the societal standards. Pregnancy has changed my body and I’m not tight as I used to be.   I do have my boobs and curves.    Men are fit.  I can easily be turned on with any physical touch or deep kissing. So I can’t get enough of my husband (and still do to this day).  He should be able to not get enough of me.   I want to keep satisfying him (and in turn for him to do the same to me) 🙂 ❤  

We enjoy our love making.  We have been making amazing progress where both of our sexual needs are met and that our emotional connection is there.   That we give love and focus on each other.  It’s just the start of his sexual excitement that I still struggle with.  I feel shamed at times for it.   It is so easy to get me going, mainly because my unveiled high sex drive and enjoy sex.  Sex has always been a favorite part of intimacy for me.  I try to focus more at hand these days with other intimate moments that we have together, to overpower my struggle.  I enjoy snuggling/cuddling,  holding hands,  hugging, dancing, kissing and etc. with my husband as well.   I feel his love through him in these actions as well.   ❤ 🙂

I know my sexuality also broadens to female. I am a bisexual, but I still choose my husband.  Because I love him.  I am in love with him.  I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want to grow old with him. ❤ I love seeing beautiful women, but the thought of sharing my husband at this point, drives me crazy.   It’s almost a double sword.   My husband gave his virginity to me where I have been with other men before him.  So porn gives image of what a threesome is and all.  I know that in reality,  it wouldn’t be always fireworks (just like with deflowering virginity for most people).   It can make or break a relationship.   Especially in a marriage.  

If we were to mutually agree to a threesome, it would have to be for the experience, like my husband has said. I personally would have to build on so much trust for this to happen.  I have to not let my emotions get in the way and be truly positive that it wouldn’t change us or make our marriage go thrown a dark down swirl. .  Make this thing kind of what it was like with my ex boyfriend.  Equate the whole threesome thing as just sex.  So this is also a struggle.  Because I know worldwide,  a threesome is a fantasy that most guys have.  My husband has reassured me from time to time that even if it did happen that he would still love me and be in love with me and nothing else would change.  He wouldn’t tempt to other females behind my back.  It would be beautiful to see myself with another women and interesting to see how he would act seductively with someone else, but I love my husband more than anything or anyone else in this world and want him to myself.   ❤

I rather spend my life enjoying him with all that life throws at us as a couple, lovers and spouses.  I want to work on US.  I want us to keep working on our marriage in all aspects.  To make our relationship, friendship and marriage to be more stronger, deeper, beautiful, pure and loving daily.   I love my husband more now than when I first married him.  He has come a long way and so have I.  I love being married to my husband. He is a true gem! 🙂  It’s an eternal journey.  It’ll always be a learning process.  Life is a teacher and so is God.  To continue to make us more loving to each otherand more loved together and at the center with each other. ❤

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About jewellove30

Married since 2006, in love since 2001. Have three boys and two angel babies.
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