Embracing Me

I am 30,  31 in June.   I am to be embracing me as I am enough.   Being deaf since birth has never stopped me from embracing who I am and what I do in life.  Adventurous and positivity.  I always would chase whatever I dreamed for and usually would get it. The older I got, the more I would learn more about myself.  I was a rebel as a child and as a teen and as a young adult.  I am still learning more about myself and embracing me to this day.   You can’t love anything or anyone until you love yourself unconditionally.  

Of course, there were times over the course of my life where I struggled if I was enough.  I was underweight as a child, and naturally would be sick a lot.   I had the jealousy of my chest area once I became a teen.  Shows you how much of  a double standard can sink in.  Be careful for what you wish for.  I did eventually get well-endowed enough in that part of my body by my senior of high school.   Weight became more of an issue after high school. I ballooned more than the “freshman” 15 in my early adulthood.   The word fat was hard to swallow. Honestly, I didn’t really do anything about it until the year of my wedding (2006).  I lost weight through WW. I didn’t really meet my goal until  after the summer post-wedding. IN time to start my family in the fall. The most weight to be honest I ever been was with Logan.  I gained almost 50 pounds during his pregnancy.  That was insane, but it didn’t bother me at the time. I was gaining weight so I could have a baby and bake it well.  I lost enough after Logan to conceive Austin. It wasn’t until after Austin, really, that I took interest in my body to be more active.  Working out at the actual gym wasn’t really my thing.  My husband had all these videogames consoles.  So I would do the Wii Fit, then eventually the Biggest Loser, and finally I found one that I liked.  Zumba.  I’ve been using that type of dance workout off and on since 2011.    To this day, I am still doing Zumba.  Focusing on the core of it.   I would walk our dog occasionally, more so during my pregnancy with Jackson (especially in T3!!!).   To be even crazier,  I’m doing the Color Run 5K in September.  Not even a runner by any chance.  I always ate better during my pregnancies.  Probably the most healthiest one was with Jackson.  More veggies and fruit and less pop.  I’ve done the craze of Crystal Ice and recently have done smoothies. I need to get back to that.

There wasn’t a whole lot that I loved about school in terms of subjects. I did embrace English as I loved to write. It was/is my favorite and easiest way to express things verses verbal.  I struggled so much with math.  It wasn’t my strongest subject.  In high school,  I still liked English and embraced computer class.  I would  also later learn to love art, especially in my senior year.  I found that even though, I wasn’t great at drawing.  I began to grow a deeper love for photography.   Taking pictures and developing photos in the darkroom was a lot of fun. I would take pictures with my camera from grade 9 and on.  I would seem to have the eye for it.    So I go into university thinking that I would major in social studies, mainly social work.  But found that university wasn’t the plan for me. I would struggle, no matter how much I tried to invest in it.   It makes me think that I should have gone to college and embraced more of my love interest in photography.   It is something that I do plan to do once all of my kids are in school. I want to open up a small photography business.   I want to do local studio work and lifestyle shoots, specializing in  family, kids, maternity, couples, newborn and maybe boudoir.  We would have to see what I can take on. I would want to continue to embrace time for my kids and my husband too. We would absolutely embrace the extra income from me to be handy as more extracurricular activities’ would be introduced to our family life as the kids get older though.

What’s next?  Social. Where do I fit in? Making friends didn’t always come easy because of my hearing impairment.  I did have neighbor friends who were my age or close as a child and they were so fun.   I wasn’t too popular at school.  I mean, I did have friends, but only a select few.   It was kind of the same story in  high school.  I would expand my circle, but it would be only a few new close ones as well.  So yeah, I was kind of shy.  You’d have to be there to see how I interacted then.  It was enough where I would be chatting up at lunch and have invites to birthday parties and sleepovers.   I would say it did get easier around my senior year. That was when, I was really coming out of my shell in terms of my personality and being brave with more new things/experiences.  I wanted to make my senior years  in high school amazing and I did that. I have awesome memories.  Even though, I spent three years in university and never finished,  I only made a few friends.   As for the online community. Completely different story.  Expressing things via the computer just like on paper was easy especially for certain subjects/topics. It’s my strongest ability.   So I have lots online.  Only a few I have actually met in IRL.

Dating was a different story. Crushes and those who I actually dated,  I found it easy to talk to.    In person and online.   I would talk on the phone too, but because of my impairment, I didn’t go that route a whole lot.   Insecurity of how I sounded and my speech.  I am not always crystal clear when I talk  (I tend to the mumble or talk quiet sometimes but it isn’t meant to be on purpose at all) and because I  wasn’t seeing the person visually on the other end of the phone call,  I would usually have a hard time hearing and/or understanding them unless I knew their voice really well thus I would have a general idea of what they would be saying.  Family and close friends would be the exception.  

My job from 15 until 25 was under the title of administrative assistant in real estate. I always have gotten along well with adults. So it made my work day easy. Awesome work social interaction.  I didn’t really have my own desk area until I was like university and taking on more tasks for my job.  My social circle would somewhat dwell down outside of work when I did get married to my husband and more so when I became a stay at home mom. Because I was still a young adult. I married at 22 and started my family at 24.  Most people don’t settle down until they are in their late 20’s or early 30’s with marriage and family.

I have always embraced motherhood. I’ve always yearned to have kids for as long as I can remember.   I would embrace me so much more after my stillbirth loss with Noah.  All children are blessings.  Gift from God.  That I can handle what throws at me.  That I would be the best mom I can be.   I cherish every moment that I have with my kids.   I would try to be positive when I was able to during my pregnancies and beyond with them.   Innocence after a loss is gone though.  So you do embrace what you can and hope for the best. I have appreciated the blessing from my husband to be able to stay at home with my kids while he supports us. He is in position where he makes enough to make that a reality.   So I have loved the chance to watch my kids grow up and accomplish their milestones every day.  When you have children,  time goes faster.  So you do what you can to embrace them, and teach them.   You learn what works for you, and them and embrace on that.   I love that my husband and I parent well together for our kids.   I have more patience.   He has more creativity 🙂  Balances out well 🙂     My husband is excellent with the kids.  He helps me out so much with them.  Probably takes on more tasks than most dads would be brave to do 🙂

Embracing me in my marriage.  I have been with my husband since we started dating in 2001.  Of course, I would have flaws. What’s new?   I’m nowhere perfect. Throughout my relationship, I would find myself growing and learning more about myself and my husband.   There were many times over the years where  I personally felt like I wasn’t enough.  Not so supportive of myself, and not supportive of my husband.  I look back on it.  Clingy.  Insecure.  Lack of trust/honesty. On a leash with myself and my husband if you want to view it that way.  Our fights were usually targeted a lot towards money and sex.  We didn’t explore a whole lot as a couple in our early dating days and early on in our marriage with each other in different aspects.  Very vanilla.   There was more adventurous in me waiting to come out in all aspects but didn’t for the longest time. 

 Lots of highs and lows in the 13 years we’ve been together.   When we moved in together, the year before we got married (2005).  There were lots we learned about each other then.  I struggled a lot with his bipolar self which would cross paths in his triggers from his call-center jobs and he would bury himself in his workouts and videogames.  He often brought home negativity aftter work so I would feel it. Thus,  I would be in turn a bitch myself to me and to him.  I craved more happiness and romance within all aspects of our relationship.  It didn’t really change much until after my husband started his new job as a car assembler almost 7 years ago.  He would be less stressed but the commute was hard as the job was an hour and half away so  there were times where our work schedules would conflict two weeks out of each month where we rarely saw each other.  I would have weekends out with my girlfriends clubbing, and would be often alone during the weekday evenings. So there was still some distance and that took a beating. Eventually,  my husband’s work commute did lessen to 45 mins after 2.5 years in the Toyota plant. 

 However, we started to create a family.  There was still love.  We wanted to be parents.  That was the sacrifice we chose over travelling and other things.   We would have challenges where we lost our Noah.  It did bring us closer.   However, I would struggle to be positive with my subsequent pregnancies especially with Logan.  I was such an emotional mess with him.   I was better when I had Austin.  Then, I was a mess again with losing Sea Monkey.  TTC for Jackson took a toll. We were so close to giving it up altogether when we finally got blessed with him after 6 plus months of active TTC.    We were realizing that we would be into a new season of life with everything.  We needed to be happier together, and focus more on each other as a husband/wife, lovers, and best friends and so much more together.  Things changed where it wasn’t so vanilla anymore in all aspects of our marriage when I was in the last month or so of baking Jackson.  

This past year has been so embracing and beautiful and exciting for me and for my husband.   More supportive in  each other with positivity and love.  Bettering ourselves with the flaws that we have and embracing our strengths more.   I have invested in prayer more on daily basis.   I love our marriage , relationship and friendship so much more now than it was in the beginning with my husband.  There is a lot more invested in individually and as a couple now. Communication, trust, honesty, and romance is more there now.  It was so blah before. We are more in love and love each other more unconditionally now.  I embrace ALL of me to him with love, happiness, respect, trust, openness, and so much more.  I fall more deeper in love with him every day.  We are living all of our days in life with love.    That I am enough for me and for him.   I can be a better wife, lover, mom, friend, and etc. in all the things I do in our lives.  I will continue to change for the better, and so will my husband.  We are in this together for eternity.  We are very united as one.  Our words and actions do matter in everything we do.  It takes two to tango as we grow together in life in all aspects.  I feel blessed to be married to such an incredible and godly husband and lover and best friend (and of course baby daddy!)  He is a truly a rare gem!   I love him for all that he has done for me, for our family, for our marriage.  My husband’s personality is what made me fall in love with him in the first place, and is still the case today. That alone in the beginning and even more so now also made his outer appearance sexy as hell as well!  😉  Our love story continues to thrive deeper and more stronger all the time. We have so much more excitement and happiness together than ever before! That is amazing.  Incredible transformation.  IT is still a working progress and will continue to be as long we are still committed to our life together for eternity.   

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About jewellove30

Married since 2006, in love since 2001. Have three boys and two angel babies.
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