Return to Zero

Return to Zero is the first movie that centers its focus wholly on stillbirth.   The movie shows a couple who goes through stillbirth weeks before their baby’s due date and the aftermath of it.  They do eventually have a rainbow baby.  My husband and I watched this movie as it premiered on Lifetime on May 17, 2014.   It was very difficult to see this as we have been through this ordeal ourselves in Noah’s stillbirth (27 weeks)  in 2008 and SM’s miscarriage in 2012.  Lots of raw moments and tissues.  It hit home so much.  Even though, it’s been 6 years since we found out that Noah had no heartbeat.

We lost our first baby boy, Noah William on March 16, 2008 at 27 weeks.  He was born sleeping 3 months early.  We have no official answer to his passing.   So I’m reliving my own nightmare as we are watching the movie.   I was very raw at the time.  I had no emotions during my long induced difficult labor and delivery with our angel baby boy knowing that I would never hear his first cry or see him take his first breath.  The triage team left me be to go to through this alone with just my husband from 8 pm and beyond on March 15, 2008 (they only checked on me every four hours or so).   I was not hooked up to anything.  I was free to labor however I wished.  Mainly it was in the bed with my husband.  I had back labor.  I had to ask for morphine twice overnight at 2 am and 6 am.  The most horrific moment during my labor, just before my delivery is feeling down to Noah’s head as he was crowning at the last time I felt I had to go to the bathroom and could not go then at 8:15 am.  Running to the other room  (delivery) while at the same time feeling like he’s going to fall out any second (I’m literally holding myself down there)  to tell the nurses that he is here and have the need to push.  I remember passing pregnant moms that were in labor.  It was hard to see them, even though it was only for a second.   I didn’t see Noah right after delivery (8:29 am).  I couldn’t handle seeing or holding him then.  I did see him hours later post-delivery and probably wished that we spent more time being with him and taking more pictures . Noah was our sweet tiny handsome angel baby boy. He fit in our hands at 15 oz.   I wished later on that I did see him at delivery though.  We did have pictures taken of Noah  from our nurse and a few pics with us  holding him through family, but we didn’t know about NLMDS (Now Lay Me Down Sleeping) photography and would have loved to have professional ones taken with Noah.  We do have his beautiful footprints.  Noah had a small private burial a couple days later.  He is rested with my grandmother.   I wanted him to be with family that had already passed, instead of the selected location that is reserved for children.   Noah does have a flat stone.    There is no official reason to why he had no heartbeat and could not thrive anymore in my belly. 

 I know we all grieve differently for our losses and so do men as well.   I cried myself to sleep for the first two weeks following Noah’s stillbirth.  But I was very open about myself with his stillbirth. I had to go public on FB shortly after being discharged from the hospital saying that I was no longer pregnant with Noah and that he had earned his wings too soon.  I didn’t want to be faced with anymore ongoing questions of how the pregnancy was going and all. I had to bring that chapter to a close.  I found myself in a support group online with a pregnancy website, WTE and buried myself in the grief and loss group which I found so many amazing ladies who had gone through more or less the same situation within the same year (2007/08) and I am still in touch with them, 6 years later on Facebook.    My husband chose to get a tattoo in memory of Noah, a month later, ironically after my 6 week follow up post Noah with my OB.  He is amazing.  I know that he grieved himself in private with Noah.  

I had made it clear after Noah’s stillbirth that I didn’t want to give up trying for our family.  That was no secret at all. Trying to conceive again was hard and stressful at times.  The annoyance of my period returning again and again and or seeing the HPTs negative.  We eventually successfully did have our rainbow baby, Logan (conceived 3 months after Noah)  who was actually born a year to the date of Noah’s angeliversary in 2009. That day is forever a bittersweet day. Both happiness and sadness.  Austin also came to life to our family in 2010.   SM was conceived Halloween 2011 and unfortunately was miscarried and so it earned his/her wings too soon  in January 2012 (late T1) to join big angelic brother Noah.   We did successfully get our last rainbow baby, Jackson in May 2013.

Over the six years since losing Noah,  my grieving and healing has gotten easier, but it is never forgotten. Don’t get me wrong, I still have sad days there and there.  Wishing that he was physically here with our boys. I will tell you that being pregnant again with Logan, Austin, SM and Jackson helped a lot.  It has in the end helped me be stronger.  Be the best mom that I can be to all my five kids.   Noah and SM are still our kids, even though they aren’t here in the physical world.  Their soul still lives on through us and our boys.   It was mentioned in the movie that the baby is living in eternity.  It is not experiencing anything but love. It is never cold, hungry or sad.  I truly believe that so much. 

Return to Zero gave me more closure with my angels,  Noah and SM.   I love that this movie came out.  It has broken the silence worldwide that stillbirths do happen, and how parents go through in this ordeal as a couple and as individually.   Every couple goes through this differently.  Stillbirth, with any other ordeals in life can make or break a relationship with your partner, family, etc.   With my stillbirth with Noah and miscarriage with SM, it has brought my marriage closer.  I am closer with my husband and with my kids.   I treasure every moment of life with my beautiful family, and hold very dear and close  in my heart with our angels.   We know that one day, we will be reunited with our angels on the other side.  I remember Noah and SM daily because they are my kids, never forgotten. Always part of our family.   They have given life  to us and their siblings.  I see them daily through my boys, with a smile, laugh, hug, etc.   We love being parents to all of them.   Each one of them is a blessing. 

 

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About jewellove30

Married since 2006, in love since 2001. Have three boys and two angel babies.
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